Saturday, July 2, 2016

“Yesterday President Obama met with the leaders of Mexico and Canada. Obama said he’s trying to figure out where to live if Trump wins.”

-Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump is upset today because so many of his former Republican rivals have not endorsed him. He says he feels like he is running against two parties because none of the guys have jumped in to lend their support. Which makes no sense at all. Donald Trump has been nothing but nice to them.”

“Donald Trump says what they’re doing is disgraceful and there should be consequences for it. What consequences? I don’t know. Maybe he is planning to feed Jeb Bush to his dragons.”

-Jimmy Kimmel

“Thirty-eight percent for Trump, 13 percent for a meteor, which adds up to 51 percent of the people are OK with the world coming to an end. Two giant destructive orange balls.

The giant meteor hitting the Earth polled particularly well among independent voters, and unsurprisingly, poorly amongst dinosaurs.”

“Now Trump might be getting a boost in the polls because sources say Trump is vetting Chris Christie as a potential running mate. Christie would definitely help Trump win voters in New Jersey, who are anxious to get rid of Chris Christie.”

-Stephen Colbert

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