— Paul Krugman (@paulkrugman) August 10, 2016
— Matt Wuerker (@wuerker) August 1, 2016
Today, Donald Trump said that when he asked Russia to hack Hillary Clinton’s emails he was being “sarcastic.” Which makes sense — if anyone understands comedy, it’s the Russians.
– Conan O’Brien
Donald Trump vowed that when he is president he will replace the broken glass ceiling with a reinforced titanium steel ceiling and that women are going to pay for it.
– James Corden
Trump wants to build a wall and bring in foreign workers. It’s like he’s playing a game of tic-tac-toe against himself. Or maybe this is a Telemundo prank show. We sent a bunch of workers to the United States. Wait until they find out who their new boss is.
– Jimmy Kimmel
Donald Trump told reporters yesterday that he doesn’t know who Vladimir Putin is. He then paused and went, “Oh, you mean Vlad? Yeah, of course I know Vlad.”
– Seth Meyers
— Josh McCall (@JoshMcCall_) July 31, 2016
The presidential debates have been announced and, guess what, the final one is gonna take place in Las Vegas. Trump and Hillary will have a 90-minute debate and then be married by Elvis.
The Hillary Clinton campaign recently released an ad that features clips of Donald Trump praising world dictators. In the video, Trump praises Saddam Hussein, Vladimir Putin, and Abby Lee from “Dance Moms.”
Donald Trump has dropped hints that he may name a Democrat as his running mate. In fact, today he chose Donald Trump from 2008.
Hip-hop group the Wu-Tang Clan has endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. Which makes this the first presidential election where both candidates have been endorsed by a “clan.”
House Speaker Paul Ryan today announced that he will appear at next week’s Republican National Convention to deliver a 10-minute speech that he is writing himself. As opposed to Trump, who will be giving a 10-hour speech that he will be writing as he goes.
Now Bernie’s endorsing Hillary & def. not running 3rd party. So Donald? pic.twitter.com/822e94lxuy
— Rebecca Sherman (@RebeccAgent) July 12, 2016
@TheRickWilson Trump’s platform: “Print more money, Nuke em til they glow, Black people love me”. Easy for trump to remember and tweetable.
— Ben Bruner (@iamthebagman2) July 12, 2016
WHOA. CNN just cut away from Trump's speech. What should @realdonaldtrump do?
— Rick Wilson (@TheRickWilson) July 11, 2016
The GOP could have beat Hillary with a brake shop manager; but noooooo. They nominate a deranged orangutan with a bad haircut.
— Neal Boortz (@Talkmaster) July 12, 2016
— Randy Renstrom (@RandyRenstrom) July 10, 2016
— Donald J. Drumpf (@RealDonalDrumpf) July 9, 2016
— The Duke of Nearl (@doiland) July 10, 2016
Donald Trump met with 200 House Republicans who were described as “nervous.” And following the meeting, many of them were described as “Democrats.”
Analysts are now saying that Florida could be one of the biggest threats to Donald Trump’s campaign. In other words, Trump may be crazy, but he’s not Florida crazy.
Donald Trump is now saying the media took his praise of Saddam Hussein “out of context.” Trump also said the media misinterpreted his 5 star Amazon review of “Mein Kampf.
THE TRUMP COOKIE pic.twitter.com/hOVj3MDK6x
— Alexandra Petri (@petridishes) July 8, 2016
The Juno satellite probe which hasn’t been heard from in five years and has been traveling through deep space finally reached Jupiter yesterday and reestablished contact with Earth. The Jupiter satellite’s first message was, “The Republican Nominee is WHO?”
It’s rumored that Snoop Dogg will perform at the Democratic Convention. When he heard this, Donald Trump immediately took him off his vice presidential list.
In a speech yesterday, Donald Trump praised Saddam Hussein for killing terrorists. He also said Hitler was a wonderful dancer and Stalin made a great omelette.
— MAGA! (@MAGA_Party) July 7, 2016
Me to Member of Congress: "How bad was it?
MOC to me: "Low energy. Sad."
— Rick Wilson (@TheRickWilson) July 7, 2016
Manafort: Whatever you do don’t draw attention away from Comey and Hillary
Trump: ok[faces camera]
Saddam was very good and I liked him.
— Brian Beutler (@brianbeutler) July 6, 2016
REINCE: ok no indictment but this is still bad for Hill-
TRUMP: Saddam Hussein did a lot of things right!
— Chris Jackson (@ChrisCJackson) July 6, 2016
“Someone who has never forgotten where he came from. And Donald, if you’re out there tweeting: It’s Hawaii.” —Hillary on @POTUS
Here are a few more classic Trump jokes (skip over the ones you’ve heard before!):
From the 2011 White House Correspondent’s Dinner:
“Donald Trump is here tonight. Now I know that he’s taken some flak lately. But no one is happier—no one is prouder—to put this birth certificate matter to rest than The Donald. And that’s because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter: Like, did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac?”—Barack Obama
“Donald Trump said that he was running for president as a Republican. That’s funny, because I thought he was running as a joke.”―Seth Meyers
Donald Trump is still under fire for mocking a reporter with physical disabilities. Trump told his supporters, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll soon do something worse and all this will be forgotten.’”–Conan O’Brien
Thank goodness someone has Trump's back, luckily it's not a crazed racist scumbag…oh…wait. https://t.co/6pDRK6BOE0
— Rick Wilson (@TheRickWilson) July 5, 2016
— Ben Smith (@BuzzFeedBen) July 5, 2016